March 21

Just wanted to share a few more pictures of Sicily. Today makes one year since she went to heaven. She and her family have been on my heart all day. Love her and miss her.

Sun Stand Still

Jeremy and I got to church this morning and sat down about ten minutes before the service started. We were looking at the bulletin to see what Pastor Craig had in store for today. We saw that there would be a guest speaker , waaahh wahhhhhh. Now nothing against guest speakers, but we both hang on every word when Pastor Craig gives the sermon. We were a little bit disappointed, but still excited to hear what the message was for this week.

We were not let down....

Pastor Steven Furtick from North Carolina shared a message called "Sun Stand Still".  He's a young, excited and exciting pastor that started a church called Elevation Church in North Carolina. I want to pass on this message, and try to do it some justice. Ok. Sun Stand Still. The idea comes from a story in the book of Joshua in which Joshua is facing an entire army from Gilgal. The army is much stronger and larger than his own army. The Lord said to Joshua "Do not be afraid, I have given them into your hand. Not one of them will be able to withstand you." Joshua fought the army throughout the day, but as the day was coming to a close he saw that there was a large battle still left ahead of him and if the night fell, he knew would not be able to complete the battle. With complete faith and abandon, this was Joshua's prayer,

"O sun, stand still over Gibeon, o moon, over the valley of Aijalon."

So the sun stood still and the moon stopped. THE SUN STOOD STILL, AND THE MOON STOPPED! The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. Joshua and his army finished and won the battle.

Now, I have read this story in Joshua more than once. It really didn't jump out at me the way it did for Pastor Steven. But it was a life changer for him and he explained why. I'm 99% sure that every person in the room (including me) bought what he was selling. Joshua had complete faith in Jesus, and asked for what he needed. He turned it all over and gave ALL control to God. That is pretty amazing faith. We ask for things in prayer all the time. "God, please be with ____ today." or "God, please help me ______." Or we send up blanket/generic prayers such as "God, please help me be a better person." These are all great things to aspire for or hope for others. It is comforting to know that God cares and answers even the most generic of prayers. But, what is the HUGE thing in your life that is so big that you don't even bring it to God? Sometimes I don't bring things to God because to me, it feels selfish. For instance, one thing that is really important to me is the baby issue. Another thing that is constantly on my heart is problems with family members. Not my problem with them, but their problems with each other. (I have a big ole family, so don't try to figure this one out, lol.) How about finances? A lot of people feel like if they’re in a situation because of something that they did, then why should God have to fix it? The whole “you made the bed, now lay in it” mentality takes over. Some people feel selfish in asking for God's guidance there. I know I do! How about this....do you want to live a life that magnifies God to others? In what way? Do you want to witness to people at work or at the gym? Have you asked for God's help there? Pastor Steven made a pretty profound statement...

If your intent for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance that it's insulting to God.

Here's what I personally took from the sermon. I'm working on trying to surrender control. I have tried to really take in the trust in God mentality. "If God wants me to have a baby, he'll make it happen." Well did I ever really ask? For crap sake, Joshua asked the sun to stand still - and it did! Now I don't think that if I just ask God for a baby then wham bam, I'm preggers. I do know that if something is such a HUGE issue in my life, why wouldn't I make it a God conversation?? More importantly, why would I ever dwell on ANYTHING and think that it's not really a God issue? Do I really think he doesn't know? God's not sitting around wondering what's bothering me. "If only she'd ask, I'd know how to help her...." Hahaha. He knows. Pastor Steven shared his Sun Stand Still moment. He had an alcoholic, non-believing father who didn't really know how to parent. His father's father had killed himself on his dad's 8th birthday. He had a rough, confusing life. Steven's prayer was for a serious change. He wanted his dad to know the love he knew. It happened when he asked. What need, goal, or objective seems impossible to you right now? How big is your perception of God? How do you think your limited perception of God has limited your faith?

If you’re in a position where you think that the only thing that can fix your problem is a miracle (usually laced with sarcasm when spoken aloud) – then you’re in God’s wheelhouse! He’s in the business of performing miracles! What’s your Sun Stand Still prayer?

Spring Break in review....

 Today is the last official day of spring break and I wish I could rewind to Monday and do it all over again! At the same time, I'm looking forward to pounding out these next eight weeks. I'm so ready to be finished with school.

I was pretty lazy the first few days. Monday night I kicked my butt into gear - I cleaned and did ALL the laundry. Tuesday and Wednesday I went to Bartlesville to scan a few hearts. I haven't done an echo since I left Bartlesville several weeks ago. I'm headed to St Francis cardiac after spring break so I didn't want to show up and look like an idiot. I had forgotten how much I loved clinic at Bartlesville. Everyone there was so nice and the atmosphere was so relaxed, a lot like the Imaging Center. I'd love to land such a non-stressful job. (crossing my fingers!)

Oh yeah, rewind. To kick off spring break I joined the Zeka family for a trip to the lakehouse. They recently bought a lake house on Monkey Island at Grand Lake. It's gorgeous! It's not just any regular old weekend spot. It's called Chalet de Sicily. There are amazing blown up beach pics of Sicily all over the lakehouse. They are in the process of transplanting her bedroom from their home to the lakehouse. It's perfect! I went down and helped paint the walls the same bright pink color that is on her bedroom walls in BA. You really feel surrounded by Sicily when you're there and I absolutely love it. On Friday night I even dreamed about the little firecracker. On Saturday morning we took a walk around the area and it was BEAUTIFUL! I could spend every weekend there and be perfectly content. Saturday morning we sat out on the balcony, drank hot tea, and watched the deer, squirrels, and even a little fox run around outside. They said we could visit any time we want. I'm hoping that Jeremy and I can make a quiet trip down some time soon!

I spend some time at Haikey Creek last night. Jeremy is in a men's softball league where his team name is I'd Hit That. I'm proud to say that I came up with that. I'm not proud to say that they are the only tacky named team in the league....the church league. My bad. It's pretty funny to watch grown men get so excited to play every Thursday night. Last week was their first game of the season. He set out his uniform that day like a 12 year old girl getting ready for the first day of school. Ahhh, he makes me laugh. The guys on his team are pretty entertaining. Two other wives and I sat and watched both games and came up with nicknames for the guys. So far they are all food names so I'm thinking we were just hungry while we were watching. So far we have Taco, Beans, Donut, Frank and Bens (yeah, Bens-not beans) and Chocolate Thunder. I need a good food name for Jeremy. Someone suggested Five Dollar Foot Long because he's so friggin tall. I quickly shot that one down because I know he'd take in a completely different direction. Any other ideas?

I'm going to enjoy these last few days and then sprint the final straightaway of school. Oh, side note- I get to go to the Human Body Symposium tonite. I'm so excited!!! Hope you all have a great weekend. I love you friends and family!

I AM

Who am I?

I completely fell off the face of the earth for a bit. I crawled into a little hole with a Dr Pepper and a computer for about a month! Every once in a while the dog would peek her fat little head in and say hi. Jeremy came through from time to time to check on me and give me some encouraging words. I spent every moment outside of class or clinic working on my capstone. This afternoon at 11:34 I let that little guy spread his wings and fly! As I clicked the SUBMIT button, it felt like a ton was lifted from my shoulders. This capstone is a requirement for graduation at OU. It's basically a mini-thesis. You form a research question, look up a bunch of articles, analyze them, answer your research question, and write a painfully long paper about the whole ordeal. My research question was, **ahem** "What are the long term benefits and limitations to the Ross procedure in children and young adults and what technical changes are being made to surgical procedure to improve patient outcome?" If you need to pause to rub the boring out of your eyes, go right ahead! Now brace yourself, I'm about to expose my inner nerd.....I really liked my topic. I kinda had a vested interest in the topic because the Ross procedure is the surgery I had to fix my heart in 2003 (or was it 04?). Not sure. Either way, the paper is done!!! I'm so thankful!

The days until graduation are dwindling down. It's actually going by really fast. This last 8 weeks flew by! This is my last week at the Imaging Center and I'm going to be so sad on Friday! I don't want to leave! I've learned a ton and become a better sonographer in my 8 weeks there. Spring break is next week. I'm excited to get all caught up on laundry, organizing, and job hunting!

So recently I've been working on the "Who am I?" situation. And no, I'm not having a secret life crisis or coming out of the closet or anything of the sort. Who am I? The series over this past few weeks at church has focused on that question. I hadn't really spent much time asking myself. It was kind of a given, I guess. I'm a woman, so - wife and future mom. I love people and I love the medical field so - a job in healthcare. So, I'm supposed to be a wife and a mom and have a health care job. I am a wife. (a lucky one!) I'm about to start a sonography career. (health care job-check) But I'm still not a mom. This has been KILLING ME!!! I have started to feel like it was a failure on my part. It feels like something I was supposed to do, but I can't. I've formed my identity around this thing that I haven't been able to achieve. I've been dwelling on it and I've cried about it more than you might know. It is the one thing that I feel "out of control" about. I really felt depression creeping in. This message that Pastor Craig has continued to give for three weeks now, has hit home with me. Sure, I'm a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sonographer, a sister, a niece, a cousin, an aunt. These are all really important things. I am not completely defined by any of them. Here is what I AM.

1. I'm a God's perfect masterpiece.
2. I'm an ambassador for God.
3. I'm an overcomer. (best sermon I've ever heard, PS)

When my relationship with God defines who I am, nothing can let me down. Everything else just comes as a bonus. I'm not saying I'm there yet, or even close. But this is where I'm going. I want to focus on Him and let everything else fall into place. If everything else includes having a baby, I will be so blessed. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'll be blessed with a baby from somewhere else. We'll see. I have to put this in God's hands.

Love you friends and family. Have a great week

I just cried at an episode of Sex and the City

I've talked a little bit before about this shot that I'm on called Lupron. It makes me a bit of  hormonal mess. Well the hormonal hurricane just hit an all time high when I just cried at an episode of Sex and the City - the one when Charlotte and Trey have the photoshoot in their apartment for the home decor magazine. Yep, it's official. I shouldn't go into public anymore. I just thought about it and realized that I've cried like ten times this week, no joke! Here's a rather amusing (only in hindsight) list of the reasons I've lost it this week.

1. Sex and the City: I got choked up every time Charlotte and Trey talked about their baby problems. (this one isn't really that amusing).

2. My straigtener wouldn't turn on yesterday before clinic and my hair was really big. I looked stupid. I cried in the mirror.

3. I had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. (x 2)

4. American Idol sad stories (x 5 or so.....) and then again when they sing really good.

5. Some time during the stent that school kept getting cancelled. I got really bored. I was literally bored to tears.

6. Because the hot flashes wouldn't stop. I seriously had like four an hour for like 6 hours.

7. I cried at a sad episode of Scrubs.

8. Because Jeremy had to drive to work in a blizzard.

9. In the bathroom at clinic one day because I got so frustrated.

10. I couldn't find my wallet. It was in my purse the whole time.

11. Because I was so happy that the IT girl fixed my computer - no full blown tears but I welled up pretty good. I know she thought I was a complete nut job.

Hah. Gotta love the Lupron.

My little girl turned 7 today.

Happy Birthday to my little ticker!! I always forget her birthday but Mom never forgets to call first thing in the morning every February 5th and wish the little squeezer a happy day! February 5, 2004 seems like a really long time ago. Rewind to about a week before that......

I was at SAU. (I affectionately refer to that place as the butthole of the earth!!) We were about to kick off the meaty part of volleyball offseason. This included miles and miles of running and early mornings of lifting weights. I hadn't really shared with anyone JUST how crappy I'd been feeling. I had a wimpy heart valve (my aorta, to be specific). As long as I could remember, I felt a little shaky and tired when I worked out. I felt like no matter how much I ran or practiced, I could never get in shape. I would shake like a crack whore during workouts. It became pretty normal. This was a lot different though. I woke up feeling like I had run a marathon in my sleep. I had to stop and rest on my way to class and practice was torture. I had headaches every day, all day. I didn't give in until I started having chest pain more often than not. I called mama and cried cause I felt like I was dying, seriously. She booked a flight home to see trusty ole' Dr Rowe. He had been my cardiologist for a long, long time and we trusted that little bald guy (with the exception of one thick, long hair in the middle of his dome) more than anyone else. I think I got home on Monday, surgery was scheduled for the next Thursday. I was SO NERVOUS but more than that I was just ready to feel better.

I met the surgeon, Dr Fox, a few days prior to surgery. He was used to seeing littles b/c he was a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon. My heart condition was congenital, so I still saw all pediatric doctors. This was actually pretty awesome cause the nurses are much nicer on the purple kangaroo floor! I cracked some jokes (I say jokes, but I was DEAD SERIOUS) asking him to give me a boob job while he had the chest cracked open during surgery. He turned red and laughed uncomfortably...I laughed dissapointedly - those of you who know me are aware that I still have painfully small boobs. My make-a-wish fell through. Anyway...I checked in at Brackenridge Children's Hospital that Thursday morning and all of that day was pretty much a blur. The only thing I remember well was the anesthesiologist coming in with a "margarita" for my IV. It was gooooood.

I woke up surrounded by family. The first couple of days were a blur of Versed and other meds. But by about the beginning of day 3 I was pretty coherent. I felt better. And not better from surgery, but better. I felt better than I could remember feeling, maybe EVER. I didn't feel wimpy or just plain tired anymore. I was a little sore from the chest cracking fiasco but other than that I was good! It's really kinda crazy. After all was said and done, I didn't know just how bad had I felt until I felt better. I kinda wanted to go back and play all those years of volleyball over again - but feeling this way. Mainly so I could show Coach Currier-Schlobohm, whatever the crap her name was, that I wasn't just slacking. She always rode my butt so hard when I couldn't finish a workout. Jerk. After the surgery I was really self conscious for a while about the huge scar running down the middle of my chest. I remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror crying for a good hour the first time I took my shirt off to take a shower. It makes me laugh now, I don't really even notice the scar anymore. (**but if Dr Fox had granted me the boob job then the scar WOULD be hidden in some cleavage, just saying....)

I went back to SAU to finish school a couple of weeks later. Now I can say I'm a member of the MULERIDER alumni. Yeah, I said it. Fighting donkey riders. Hah! I moved in with one of the greatest people I know, Britty. We had a blast that summer and I met the greatest person I know - My Love.

So seven years later my little heart is still ticking away and I wake up refreshed and full of energy. I am such a lucky person. I was reading articles about the surgery I had earlier today for my capstone project; it's called a ROSS procedure. They take your messed up aorta out and hurl it into the garbage (that's how it played out in my head...he shoots - he scores!!! Yayaaaaaa) and then they move your pulmonary valve to where your aorta used to be. Then they put a donor valve on where your pulmonary valve used to be. Hard core stuff, right!? Back to the articles....it got me thinking. One article talked about the donors of the heart valves. Sometimes I just plain forget that I actually have a donor valve inside of me. Someone was selfless enough to literally give a piece of him or herself to ME. Pretty amazing, I think. Remember that when you have to check the donor preference on your drivers license. One day you won't need those things anymore, but some tired person just might. I'm really grateful and couldn't thank that person enough!

So to my ticker, Happy 7th birthday. They grow up so fast....tear.

I hope you all enjoy your superbowl sunday. Love you all, family and friends!!!

So...an ammendment to my post. My mom reminded me of a fun little detail that I left out!

Five ~or so~ days after surgery, I got to go home. On the way to the house we had to go by Walgreens to pick up my obscene amount of scripts. I also had to get one of those big blue pill dividers to divy them into. (After I got home and filled the thing my sweet cousin Maddie took one look at the container and proudly exclaimed "Oh, my grandma has one of those too!" Ouch.) Good news - those pills dwindled away quickly, now I only take a beta blocker a day for my heart. Anyway - I went into Walgreens with my mom and dad to fills the scripts. I felt good, but my chest was sore from surgery. I had to go to the bathroom. Me and mom went in and it took me forever to pull down the pants, etc. Mom finished and went out of the restroom. I finished my business, washed my hands and proceeded to the door. I pulled as hard as I could and the door wouldn't budge. Ha! I tried again, no luck. Turns out I was barely pulling because my chest and back muscles were so sore that I had the strength of like a 7 month old. So, I just hung out in the bathroom for what felt like forever. Finally, mom got worried and came back to check on me. It was like my own little prison  break - thank the good Lord. If I was by myself at Walgreens I could have very likely spend the entire day trapped in there. Aaah, fun times.

What a great day!

Day #3 of cancelled class. The first two stunk a little because Jeremy had to drive in the Oklahoma blizzard to work. I was home alone. It was a good time to get some school work done and snuggle the puppy! I didn't get as much done as I should have, but hey - no class tomorrow either! We are supposed to get more snow early next week so I'm wondering what my schedule will be like. I am truly ready to get back to clinic. I don't want to miss out on too many days at the Imaging Center because I really like it!


My day started in the best way possible. The scent of apple cinnamon pancakes woke me up after 10:00. Niiiice! They were delicious. I'm so glad Jeremy is a breakfast guy. After pancakes we sat around for a while and then had a blast out in the snow. PS...building a snowman isn't nearly as easy as you might think. You don't just roll a tiny snowball across the snowy ground and watch it grow big just like they do it in the cartoons, trust me. We worked hard on the little guy for a while and moved on to snow angels, then moved right into base jumping off the curb and face planting in the snow. Fun times!!! (Side note: I accidentally wrote "we started free basing off the curb...ha. That involves a whole different form of white powdery substance if I'm not mistaken. Glad I caught that little gem!) After snowville we made the icy trip to Wal Mart. I was pumped. I haven't left the house since I went to clinic on Monday and I was honestly getting a little bit stir crazy! After wandering around for a bit, we grabbed a movie from a RedBox and came home.


Jeremy and I smoked the Williams sisters in a tough match of Wii tennis. My shoulder is sore....I guess that explains my workout level at this point of my life - I'm not proud of it. Jeremy is still going strong in his journey through the Australian open. He's bouncing around the livingroom and talking crap to all the little Wii-folks. (it's really pissing off the dog)  Next stop, chicken spaghetti for dinner. We plan to wrap up the day with a little champagne and a scary movie. This is the best, happiest day I have had in a while. I love Jeremy more than words can explain. I'm such a lucky lady.

I hope everyone is making the best of this winter wonderland. If we ever develop the skillset needed to erect a giant snowman, I'll post pics IMMEDIATELY!  Love you friends and family!