Sunday, May 8, 2011

Weird day...

The countdown has finally reached single digits! My Tulsa graduation is Tuesday night (at TU) and my Norman graduation is Saturday night. (at 8:00 at Callett Music Hall in Norman). It's kind of a weird mix of emotions. I feel like it wasn't that long ago that I got my acceptance letter to the sonography program in the mail. At random times I get a spontaneous whiff of formaldehyde left over from cadaver anatomy. (I'm afraid that one won't ever go away....) At the same time, I feel like I've been in this program FOREVER!! It seems like I've been counting down to graduation for like ten years!

When I was accepted into the program, I was originally placed in OKC. I ended up switching with a friend and moved to the Tulsa campus. Like a week after I committed to switch, I had a mini-nervous breakdown. I remember laying in bed crying for like an hour. Jeremy just kept saying, "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!! If you want us to stay, we can stay. If you want to go to Tulsa, we can go!!" He probably though I was out of my mind. I can't say I blame him! Obviously, we moved. I was nervous about leaving my friends, moving to a new city, and joining a class in Tulsa that already knew one another. Turns out, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have met some wonderful people here. I've made friends that I could count on for anything. We found a church that we both love. I got a great job working in cardiac. Things really fell into place for us. There is one downside. I absolutely hate, hate, hate living so far away from my family. I feel guilty about it all of the time. It's been especially hard because I had school all week and then had some paper to write or test to study for every single weekend. I'm hoping now that graduation is finally here, I'll be able to plan trips home on a more regular basis. It's really weird, because I love living in Tulsa- but I feel guilty that I love it so much because my family isn't here. It's hard to explain. In my perfect world my family would all live here too.

For the past year or so, my biggest goal was to finish school and find a job. That made it a bit easier to push starting a family onto the back burner. Don't get me wrong, I thought about it all of the time. So now, I am done with school (with the exception of two finals on Wednesday). I have a job and we're about to start house shopping. Having a baby is back on my mind full time these days. It could have a little something to do with the fact that almost EVERY couple we know is pregnant or pushing a stroller. Haha. And I'm truly, sincerely happy for those people. (especially the one having Bentley's brother). But I really want need to be one of those people. I had a little moment in church this morning. At the 10:00 service they had a big baby dedication ceremony. There were 8 happy couples at the front of the church holding babies and beaming. The thought crossed my mind...."What if Jeremy and I never get to stand up there and show off our own little girl or boy?" I got choked up, then full blown tears. Again, Jeremy is left wondering if I lost my mind. Lol. Poor guy. In past years, I always gave the cards and gifts and acknowledged Mother's Day. Today was the first time that my heart really hurt on Mother's Day. It was the first time I felt (as dumb as this sounds) left out, I guess. Now I'm sitting here feeling dumb for feeling sad.

I'm in such a weird place. I'm excited beyond belief about graduating and starting a new job. But my heart is feeling a little bit broken at the same time. I'm struggling with just letting go of the anxiety and doubt about ever getting pregnant. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens next!

No comments:

Post a Comment