I AM

Who am I?

I completely fell off the face of the earth for a bit. I crawled into a little hole with a Dr Pepper and a computer for about a month! Every once in a while the dog would peek her fat little head in and say hi. Jeremy came through from time to time to check on me and give me some encouraging words. I spent every moment outside of class or clinic working on my capstone. This afternoon at 11:34 I let that little guy spread his wings and fly! As I clicked the SUBMIT button, it felt like a ton was lifted from my shoulders. This capstone is a requirement for graduation at OU. It's basically a mini-thesis. You form a research question, look up a bunch of articles, analyze them, answer your research question, and write a painfully long paper about the whole ordeal. My research question was, **ahem** "What are the long term benefits and limitations to the Ross procedure in children and young adults and what technical changes are being made to surgical procedure to improve patient outcome?" If you need to pause to rub the boring out of your eyes, go right ahead! Now brace yourself, I'm about to expose my inner nerd.....I really liked my topic. I kinda had a vested interest in the topic because the Ross procedure is the surgery I had to fix my heart in 2003 (or was it 04?). Not sure. Either way, the paper is done!!! I'm so thankful!

The days until graduation are dwindling down. It's actually going by really fast. This last 8 weeks flew by! This is my last week at the Imaging Center and I'm going to be so sad on Friday! I don't want to leave! I've learned a ton and become a better sonographer in my 8 weeks there. Spring break is next week. I'm excited to get all caught up on laundry, organizing, and job hunting!

So recently I've been working on the "Who am I?" situation. And no, I'm not having a secret life crisis or coming out of the closet or anything of the sort. Who am I? The series over this past few weeks at church has focused on that question. I hadn't really spent much time asking myself. It was kind of a given, I guess. I'm a woman, so - wife and future mom. I love people and I love the medical field so - a job in healthcare. So, I'm supposed to be a wife and a mom and have a health care job. I am a wife. (a lucky one!) I'm about to start a sonography career. (health care job-check) But I'm still not a mom. This has been KILLING ME!!! I have started to feel like it was a failure on my part. It feels like something I was supposed to do, but I can't. I've formed my identity around this thing that I haven't been able to achieve. I've been dwelling on it and I've cried about it more than you might know. It is the one thing that I feel "out of control" about. I really felt depression creeping in. This message that Pastor Craig has continued to give for three weeks now, has hit home with me. Sure, I'm a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sonographer, a sister, a niece, a cousin, an aunt. These are all really important things. I am not completely defined by any of them. Here is what I AM.

1. I'm a God's perfect masterpiece.
2. I'm an ambassador for God.
3. I'm an overcomer. (best sermon I've ever heard, PS)

When my relationship with God defines who I am, nothing can let me down. Everything else just comes as a bonus. I'm not saying I'm there yet, or even close. But this is where I'm going. I want to focus on Him and let everything else fall into place. If everything else includes having a baby, I will be so blessed. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'll be blessed with a baby from somewhere else. We'll see. I have to put this in God's hands.

Love you friends and family. Have a great week